1 a : a question raised for inquiry, consideration, or solution

b : a proposition in mathematics or physics stating something to be done

I have a problem.

I have always considered myself as an old child. A terribly old child. Since i was a young kid, I have always known what it is that adults want kids to do, or how kids should behave, or how adults should behave and what not. The lore, I have known. As a result, I’ve spent almost all of my life being confused as to how i should really behave. I feel like I’m beyond acting like a normal child, for i see their actions as dumb, yet I can’t quite bring myself to act like adults because I know I’m not yet one, age wise. Even until now, I can’t quite master the art of choosing the right actions in the right time and place and occasion. It’s all a jumble of intricate steps of the most complex of dance mankind has ever created.

Now, I am stuck in between the real life I’m having right now –the dull life of a sophomore in high school. Hating people, hating teachers, hating life, hating physics, hating self, loving cats, loving fandoms, loving books, loving fictional characters, loving biology, loving questions, loving answers -and the life I’ve always wanted, set far away in a future that even I have no certainty will come true –life of a scientist with a lot of traveling, enjoying peaceful, sedentary lifestyle, less body weight, people who actually understand me, friends, colleagues, money, Barafundle bay, Mount Kilimanjaro, cats, big bookshelves, bagels, horse riding, questions, answers.

I can’t quite get out of this funk I’m in. I can’t bring myself to sit down and face my biggest fears. Face physics. Face school works. Face people. Face expectations. And tackle them all.

Tackle them all.

No matter how much I try to convince myself it is not time yet, I simply can’t.


About bananaby

a wannabe

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