A Melee of My Own

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Late night musings are always the good kind of musings. Even if the next morning shed a new light on said musings and makes you think about what in the world were you thinking when you made them up. But better be enjoying them while they last. Someone did say the best way to do it is to write it down the moment it pops up in your head. Though i can’t quite remember who that someone is.

I suppose i’m having an internal struggle with myself, though one would say such is not unusual when you’re a fifteen year old adolescence.

The thing is, i realize i am nothing but a, a person, crossing over the god forsaken phase between childhood and adulthood. I realize all the behaviors one would expect from a person such as me. Though no matter how much i know and realize, nothing can stop me from acting it out.

Another thing is i can’t quite pour this into words either.

I am also a person who is controlled by the society more often than not. More often than i’d like too either. I suffocate under the scrutinizing eyes of the people around me, as if they hold my fate. I feel utter happines when someone pampers me with compliments. I feel incredibly stupid whenever i’m around people i feel are smarter than i am. Like her, or her, or him, or her over there. Well, the rest of those bunch of people anyway. I never feel good about myself, always self-conscious no matter what clothing i am wearing, no matter what word i say, or what things i do. In a social gathering, i can’t quite say what i want to say and instead say something so stupid and sometimes inapropriate that i’ll end up berrating myself for it when the gathering ends and i’m back, alone with my thoughts. And at this point i always feel so exhausted and incredibly cranky.
I am scared to leave my comfort zone. More often than not, i’d back up from whatever chance i had because it’s faraway from home, none of the people i could talk to is there, and other equally stupid reasons. I feel an enormous feeling nausea whenever i have to face people i don’t want to face or those i feel i can not face. I’d put up my false bravado and throw out lies like,

I’m sick. Seems like i can’t come after all.

or,

I’ve got family matters, sorry.

For heaven’s sake, I can’t even pick up the phone when an unregistered number calls or some person i feel i can not face calls, let alone making a call to a stranger. I mean, how pathetic is that.
The last time i had to make a call to some strangers, i threw up and couldn’t sleep the following night.

There might be someting wrong with me but God knows i know there’s nothing wrong with me.

My fear of people also blocked me from doing what i’ve always wanted to, nearly a year ago. I could’ve prevented her hurt. Which then probably prevented mine.

I suppose i’ll somehow manage to overcome this problem. Sometimes, whatever confidence left in me will ooze out and the person i’ve strived to be will appear even if only for a moment. I’ll just have to learn how to make that moment longer. Other times i feel like it’s a complete lost cause. Like, i’ll somehow turn into a ひきこもり or something.

My words should not be believed.
My promises would not be kept.
My behavior betrays what i feel all the time.
At least for now.

If anything, for anyone who’s reading this probably no one, i deliver my most sincere apology if i have hurt you or lied to you or anything. I’m sorry, i’m not waging war. I am mending myself, on my own, little by little.

I am having my own battle. A melee of some sort.

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About bananaby

a wannabe

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